I was most excited to be dropped off at home, today, and even a little annoyed that I wasn't here earlier. I always get excited about riding my bike, though I've only been on it twice, for a very short distance and moreover, disliked every moment of it. But, I still dream of it when I'm away from it. Being so excited to get back home also doesn't say much for my Derek infatuation, either. I'm still fixated on him, just not very intensely, anymore. I'm growing weary of his analness and limited regard for me. I'm accepting the reality of who we are as individuals and how we completely clash, how badly matched we would be if we ever agreed to give this a go. As a person and friend, yeah, he's cool and decent. As a crush, okay. But, we essentially don't either understand or connect with each other on a deeper level. I do enjoy our differences, though. I like being influenced by the things I respect about him. I like adopting his tastes. I wouldn't have been as outdoorsy and active-minded without him. I like listening to Octane. Yeah, me. . . liking a single second of Octane. But, I'm getting over Derek when I'm more hesitant about being distracted by him, or even being outright annoyed by being distracted by him. I guess there is a life inside this body, after all, that I'd like to get to, and it's bigger than this Derek playtime getting in the way of that.
But, now that I'm home, I'm conceding that I might not actually ride the bike, after all, but clean up inside, instead, maybe sing a bit and play a bit. Tomorrow, I'll make an early day of it and take the bike out. That is, if Derek doesn't come calling on me to come over tonight, then rinse/repeat.
Ugh. Stuck in between lives! I suppose this is an era of my life that might stick out in my memory, considerably. Or, not at all. I can see it as being both possibly unremarkable as I could memorable. It feels that every day, something different is added to my personality or interests, like I'm creating me as a person from scratch. Every day, I disconnect more and more from this place, the people in it, and obviously want nothing more than to be asleep behind the wheel, right now. Part of me is dead, part of me is being born. My primary life - the one I've had since birth, that everyone sees every day - is a walking corpse. I have to force animation to it, and I'm tired of it. I'm wearing my tediousness about it all over me, in everyone's face for them to see. But, what they don't see is the fast-forwarded life in my mind. That's where the spark is, that's where I'm really living, now.