I know you love me. I know that you feel you do, without much doubt. You feel amazing with me. You are in love and happy because of it, so you feel certain that you must, then, love me.
I can't blame you. This is how most, including my previous self, operate. Even now, I'm finding it difficult not to be confused.
Because, I'm in love, too. The time we spend together brings warmer and warmer feelings. Lately, I've nearly slipped out "I love you" several times. Because, that's a solidified habit when I feel like this. And, I'm only used to feeling this way with someone I indeed did love. So, when you adjust yourself and pull me into a tighter embrace and give me a stroke to my head in the morning when I'm still half asleep, I almost let the phrase escape my lips. It's an accident impatiently waiting to happen.
Last night, we were so close, so sweet and deep. Something intense, how you were looking at me and how I was looking at you. Both of us screaming the words with our eyes, our touches, our dancing. Sex with you was on a completely different level, last night. It's been escalating to this point. . . Because it has become making love.
We are never going to be a match. We are incompatible where it's going to matter in a relationship. Still, I am in love with you, and I can tell that you are out-of-your-mind the same with me.
You keep asking these terrible questions. Are you the best lover I've ever had? Has anyone done so much for me in ways of being touched and petted? Has anyone ever done this, that, and the other for me, before? I had to ask you if you really wanted the honest answers to these questions. With your "yes", I had to crush your ego and make you understand that I was once completely adored. Yes, I've been someone's someone special. I've been worshipped. I've been treated like a f*****g queen. And, your everything is nice, of course, but the treatment I used to get could likely never be trumped, even at your best. You don't quite get how treasured I was, and in turn, how devasted I was and still am.
I wish you'd stop asking these f*****g questions. I know you just want to be "the best", and would so rather hear the answers you desire instead of what the truth is. But, both the questions and the answers cause me pain.
You tell me that you don't want to hear about my exes, but then ask these questions and wonder about my current relations outside you and I. Then, you say I'm an adult woman and it's none of your business. It's contradicting and confusing. So, though I would like to, I don't feel safe and will not be telling you that I have slept with my neighbour, or that the reason I was sheepish at work yesterday, was because I was with him in morning, on the same day you and I later spent a wonderful night together.
I love our time together, Bryan. It gets better with every meet, and last night, I was super loving about you. I saw a side to you I've never seen before, but was beloved and adorable. I really gave you a bit of my heart along with my body, last night. But, I refuse to confuse or trick myself about our potential.
I think I once wrote on Secrettalk that Bryan may be a potential professional connection in the future. I was thinking middle-management or senior admin or something. But, this may turn out to be way much more than I expected that way, in which an actual career dream of mine comes into fruition.
This morning as he was impressed with my still-s****y-but-improving guitar playing, he again brought up his desired venture of acquiring a set, a studio for marketing and advertising. Within, he mentioned, would be a sound recording studio. He said he wanted someone who has a good ear and knows sound and music.
He seriously just brought to the table the possible opportunity for me to be at least sound editor in a recording studio.
That would be f*****g wow.