A couple more weeks and we’ll be a year into our relationship. It’s really nice to think I’ve stayed with him so long. It hasn’t been a terrible year— just disappointing in a lot of ways. Like I love him a lot and I hope he loves me too. I just feel like he never wants to show it. He’s always happier to buy me something and leave me with my thoughts. He’s always happier to ask me to stop talking about my concerns because he says I talk about them too much. I know I do, sometimes— but it’s because he’ll never listen the first time! I’ll talk about how stressed I am and then, later, he’ll act like there’s no reason to be. Then I lay my reasons out for him, again, and he says I’m talking about work too much again.
It’s urtwrly frustrating. I love our time together otherwise. I love playing games with him, listening to him talk about his days, cuddling in bed with the cat. There have been so many good days that I’ve lost count. The bad days just really stick out, in all this time, because it concerns me when we speak of being together the rest of our lives. I don’t know if I’m ok with being brushed off every time I have a concern. It’s always, “you worry too much.” Maybe he doesn’t worry enough.
I haven’t spoken to my mom or my little siblings since the big blow up in May. She sent flowers to my work last week, with a card that said “I miss you. Mama” that was all she had written. The top of the card had a printed “I’m sorry” on it, but she couldn’t write it or say it to me herself. I didn’t take them seriously, because the previous day she had my little sister call and leave a voicemail telling me that I needed to get over myself. You could tell my mom had written her a script, because she dully read what my mother had written— when she was done, you could hear the piece of paper flip over. Suddenly her voice was cheery as ever, “I love you so much sister! Muah!” And she hung up. I’ve never been more angry about something. Not to mention my mother calling my grandfather (who is my landlord) and asking if I still lived here. That’s all she asked. He’s been sick and not feeling well and her hateful asś is harassing him. I’m not going to be manipulated this time. She can start acting right or she can lose a daughter.
I still don’t know if we’re moving to another state with his grandparents or not. Sometimes he seems excited and he talks about going elsewhere and finding more job opportunities. Other times, he talks about getting a raise at work and staying here. It gives me a headache. It scares me. There are no job prospects here. I only work part time, even now, and it’s for a******s. I’m trying to get my job back selling health insurance, but the marketplace closes in December and I’ll have to figure something out again. Sometimes I don’t even know if I really want to move with him. I worry we won’t last after the move, and I’ll be stuck with nothing and all alone. I worry that he’ll change like Josh did. I worry a lot, and sometimes it’s for no reason. But it’s good to be mindful of your situation.
Work is still bad right now. I’m waiting to see if I get a call with a start time this week or next for the job I (hopefully) have lined up. Jessica said she might not be back on monday, as she might have a new secretary job to switch to. Next week would theoretically be my last week (though they don’t know that), so I can’t tell you how much it would suck. I would have to work long hours and take over property management for the time being. If I got that job, though. . . I definitely wouldn’t be back. It would be awesome if Jessica and I both got new jobs, and then they would have no one left to do the tedious things in that terrible office. Maybe they can find someone else to replace me, but they’ll quit the moment one of the agents starts yelling at them. I’m just stupid and I need money, so. . .