I cracked and applied to the shittiest company in the region. It has a famous reputation for being a terrible employer and providing horrid work situations. There's constant turnaround there, they're always posting job ads, which is never a good sign. I even met someone in the Costco job fair line who confirmed all of this, who was unfairly let go, and she must have been the most professional person in that line.
And, here I am, actually begging to whatever higher power, that the interview goes well and I get hired. The desperation stinks, but so does poverty.