It’s amazing. I’m not even going to try and paint the picture that is our history, because we’ve been “friends” for over twenty years now, and those have been a jam packed twenty years. Love, hate, silence, talking every day/night, friendship, disgust, the list goes on. But, no matter how much I try and push her away, ignore her, try and get her to hate me, she just doesn’t.

Sometimes a few months of silence will go by, sometimes years, but she has this uncanny ability to reeapear in my life when I’m least expecting it, and every time I see her name it’s like a train is running full speed into my gut, and I either turn into this speechless fucktard who acts like a little kid trying to impress his crush, or an a*****e who tries to pretend like the last thing I’d ever want to do is talk to her.

I think the only reason why I ignore her is for those moments when she comes back, even if I continue ignoring her after, or maybe that’s just what I tell myself. I mean how am I supposed to even listen to myself when I can’t even f*****g trust myself.

I’ve been going crazy with these thoughts ever since she reappeared last Saturday after almost two years of silence. And again, every inch of my body has become tense and confused. I can’t think straight, I can’t make heads or tails, I can’t write her back, Hell I can’t even escape from myself for ten minutes to jerk off.

None of this is making sense to me, even as I write it. There’s this voice in my head telling me to delete this before I even finish, but you know how many times I’ve already done that since Saturday? More than I can count.

I don’t know what to call this, but I wish it wasn’t.